spaciousness

its very difficult to create the “spaciousness” that teachers talk about around my emotions

to simultaneously acknowledge their validity and to tell them they belong, while not buying into the stories they are telling me.

I’ve always bought into them, hard.

Help me to keep my money.

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One skill divided

Have you ever been told to stifle your feelings? That when they come up, you are supposed to become stoic and unexpressive, to not give in to the sways of human emotion?

Have you ever been encouraged or given understanding and compassion for feeling your emotions and expressing yourself? Are you able to express yourself with others and be heard?

These are practices of pausing and feeling. But when we separate them, they are ineffective. We pause but we do not learn to feel, so we become numb and averse, letting things bottle up to explode later. When we feel but not pause, we become unhinged and reactive, unaware of the misperceptions in our sufferings.

We must learn to do both. Every one of us, to stop when we feel, and to allow ourselves to feel, and to stop again, and to continue to feel. Our emotions are a survival strategy not always well suited for the struggles of modern life. To live and love with the best clarity, we must build this clarity within ourselves.

Pause and feel, feel and pause.

What are you unwilling to feel?

To stop, to really stop doing and thinking, is to be open to what we’re trying to avoid. We’re always trying to figure something out, to do the next thing, in order to avoid being vulnerable to what we’re trying to avoid. When we’re with others, we avoid uncomfortable silence by filling it with conversation. We avoid making mistakes. We don’t risk spontaneity. The more unmet needs, the more there’s a feeling of vulnerability were trying to get away from, and the most direct strategy is blame. Blame yourself, blame others. If I blame, I can ignore how I am really feeling deep down.

I am trying to tease apart nurturing and self care from self-pity and indulgence. Tara Brach says the key to this is to become fully in touch with what we do not want to feel, with our deepest vulnerable feelings. The exercise is: when we really put aside that the idea or person were blaming is bad or wrong, what do we feel? We remove blame because blaming is merely a strategy to escape what we are unwilling to feel.

If you blame yourself, start there. If I cannot blame others, or myself, I feel helpless, powerless, out of control, frustration, deep sadness, anger, outrage, disappointment, hopelessness, jaded, guarded, bitterness, resentment. All feelings that I’m so tired of feeling, tired of having to take care of, tired of carrying around with me.

I feel afraid to love myself because I know I wont be able to love myself all the time ­čśŽ and when I need it, even from myself, I expect that I wont be able to get it.

My therapist has told me that maybe, I should be listening to those feelings. To hear what they are trying to say. I am resentful because I have to work so hard on these things. I do a lot, and I don’t acknowledge it, and I am continually searching for the next thing to continue to fix myself. I end up burning myself out, not only with the workload but with my own mental perceptions. I am not wrong or broken. I am enough as I am. Self care and improvement is not to fix a broken person, but to continue to change and evolve and grow to continue to live life fully. Well, at least ideally that’s something you’re supposed to tell yourself. It feels like bullshit more often than not.

From this podcast episode: https://www.tarabrach.com/judgment-self-compassion/

You Lose

Words that rhyme with “Lose”:

Cruise
Peruse
Choose
Ruse
Snooze

Words that DON’T rhyme with “Lose”:

Nose
Chose
Hose
Pose
Bose
Rose

So the problem with the word “Lose” is the letter “O”. “Lose” should be pronounced “L-OH-z” but It’s a long ooooo sound that is usually depicted with a “U” or a “OO”. But it breaks this rule entirely. However, it does correctly follow the “SE” making a “Z” sound (though sometimes the se sound doesn’t make “Z” sound after another consonant, like in the worse “Purse”).

So Lose should be spelled…Loose. But then that’s already a word thats pronounced “L-oo-ssss”. So the annoying thing about “SE” is that it becomes a “S” sound again if its preceded by a double vowel, like Moose or Reese or Geese. Which can also be denoted with a “CE” like in “Truce”, because “Truse” would be pronounced “Trooze” according to the rule that “SE” becomes an “Z” sound after a single vowel.

EXCEPT!!! Above, the word “Choose” according to this rule, should be pronounced “Choo-ss” but it decides to fuck all the rules.

So I conclude based on these rules, “Lose” SHOULD be spelled “Looze”, and “Choose” should be spelled “Chooze” like “Snooze” and not “Snoose” because that would be pronounced “Snoo-ss”.

ARE YOU CONFUSED? YOU SHOULD BE BECAUSE ENGLISH IS STUPID.

What do we feel

As we continue to live in a social media driven society, our online accounts become our offline accounts of each other, and of ourselves.

Everytime I post something here raw or sad, I want to delete it. I feel pressured to follow the grain and grow fake plants. But I remember that strength is allowing those things to be and to not only endure the judgments of others, but to be aware of the judgments I harbor for myself.

What do we feel when we see someone expressing sadness, suffering, trouble, struggle? Do I have compassion for myself? When I don’t have compassion for myself, do I have it for others?

My blog will always continue to be as uncensored as possible. My instagram will undoubtedly just be whatever I want to post about my life, usually something positive. It is my hope that this is a refuge for those who want to connect with their suffering.

What am I currently struggling with? What am I feeling? Rejection, undesirable, inadequate, yearning. I am feeling oppression, under privileged, emotionally tired, not understood, not listened to. How do I toe the line of accepting support and learning how to support myself? Where do I find the strength to carry everything with me, to smile with sadness, to have empathy with suffering through joy?

hopeless romantic

the past months, the past year. I am struggling and it is hard to continue hiding. I want to hide, I want to give everyone the impression that I am okay, that my handling of my struggles is okay. But they’re not.

I had been doing better in the past. It’s very evident. I can go back in time in this blog, look at the positive entries, take a step back. Remember my progress. I’ve made it so far. I am trying to feel right again.

I am slipping back into old habits. On one hand I perceive myself to be a recluse, sitting in my room for hours, not getting out of bed or sitting at the computer all day. Yet as I write I cannot lie – I may be doing things I feel are not healthy for myself but it is also true that I have continued to go to work – I have kept doing shows – I have kept my promises to go out to birthdays or social gatherings – and I mustered my best self. And yet I consistently compare that to an ideal, and then feel bad that I am not always that ideal.

Yet these realizations, these reminders are never enough to help my emotional state. The towering monster of massive stone continues to stand in my way, to make me climb him, to force me to drag him along. I cannot climb, walk around, drag, without effort. Without it feeling so hard and so difficult. I cannot embrace the struggles before me as easily as before. I am tired.

I am still trying to date, and it is also very difficult. I am endlessly judging myself for the outcomes of my situations. I cannot face truths without feeling hurt. I feel victimized. I feel ugly. I feel undesired. I feel unworthy as a partner. It hurts so much, the pain has carried itself for so long and I cannot embrace it when the tears come, and I never allow them to come. Even if I wanted to, I cannot allow them.

Am I too skinny? I am too weird in my mannerisms? Do I blink too much? Am I twitchy? Is my voice ugly sounding? Is my jawline too feminine? Am I too feminine in general? What is it about me that is so wrong and why has it been so hard for me to find partnership? Why do I care so much about this, and why can’t I not judge myself for caring so much? So many men hurt because they are alone but I feel like I never hear about it.

I fear that someone who sees me on a dating website will google me and find this blog, and read this and think jesus this is a red flag. This is a no go. I think then – why even share this stuff? It is a cycle of shame – sending my sorrows into a place where no one can see them except me, and only for the briefest of moments, until they amass an army and attack me.

Why do I have to be some perfect person who isn’t sad about certain things in my life to be desirable or wanted? I’m not. No one is. Yet the things people say are great about me seem to not be enough to be wanted. Whats wrong with meeting someone great and having something like that help you pull yourself up? For once in my life, can something like this happen for me?

We live in this world of aversion from the sad. Everything consumed in our social world is good tidings and blessings, recoveries, celebrations. Do we see each other’s sorrow? Do we see each other’s pain, understand each others pain, and hold out a hand? Do we see our own pain? I see my pain inside the happiness of others. Happiness does not always spread happiness. It can spread a lot of suffering. Does my suffering spread gratitude? Happiness? Connection? Honesty?

Have you ever been in the bathroom with your partner and they popped their head out of the side of the shower curtain to say “I love you.”? Have you ever been beaten by your partner in a video game and asked them for a victory kiss? Have you ever been told what bills you needed to take care of while they put on their makeup before you went out together? Have you ever missed the way someone breathes?

I am a hopeless romantic. This will never change.

I went to urban dictionary to find a definition. and I was expecting something cynical, something to tear it down. But what I found was something so sweet, heartfelt, and better than I could have ever written. I’ll just share the top definition, but the rest of the definitions are also great.

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Hopeless%20Romantic

TOP DEFINITION

Hopeless Romantic

A definition of┬áa Hopeless Romantic┬ácan be typed for pages really. These people have larger hearts than the rest of us. They tend to get hurt more than the┬áregular person. It’s sad to say that nowadays the romantics hide or they just lose their touch with being a Hopeless Romantic. We live in a time where everyone is hurting each other and everyone is scared to give their 100%. Hopeless Romantics don’t make themselves known very often for that reason. Hopeless Romantics will give more than 100% to a relationship. They look at their partners as something that will has never been made before; that their partner was made just for them. They get hurt because of this but they remain┬áhopeful.┬áHopeful┬áthat one day they find someone for them. It’s also sad to say sometimes the hope dies. I honestly think they are one of the most pure things left on this planet.

If you’re going to love, please give it you’re all. Every ounce inside of you should go to someone.