the past months, the past year. I am struggling and it is hard to continue hiding. I want to hide, I want to give everyone the impression that I am okay, that my handling of my struggles is okay. But they’re not.
I had been doing better in the past. It’s very evident. I can go back in time in this blog, look at the positive entries, take a step back. Remember my progress. I’ve made it so far. I am trying to feel right again.
I am slipping back into old habits. On one hand I perceive myself to be a recluse, sitting in my room for hours, not getting out of bed or sitting at the computer all day. Yet as I write I cannot lie – I may be doing things I feel are not healthy for myself but it is also true that I have continued to go to work – I have kept doing shows – I have kept my promises to go out to birthdays or social gatherings – and I mustered my best self. And yet I consistently compare that to an ideal, and then feel bad that I am not always that ideal.
Yet these realizations, these reminders are never enough to help my emotional state. The towering monster of massive stone continues to stand in my way, to make me climb him, to force me to drag him along. I cannot climb, walk around, drag, without effort. Without it feeling so hard and so difficult. I cannot embrace the struggles before me as easily as before. I am tired.
I am still trying to date, and it is also very difficult. I am endlessly judging myself for the outcomes of my situations. I cannot face truths without feeling hurt. I feel victimized. I feel ugly. I feel undesired. I feel unworthy as a partner. It hurts so much, the pain has carried itself for so long and I cannot embrace it when the tears come, and I never allow them to come. Even if I wanted to, I cannot allow them.
Am I too skinny? I am too weird in my mannerisms? Do I blink too much? Am I twitchy? Is my voice ugly sounding? Is my jawline too feminine? Am I too feminine in general? What is it about me that is so wrong and why has it been so hard for me to find partnership? Why do I care so much about this, and why can’t I not judge myself for caring so much? So many men hurt because they are alone but I feel like I never hear about it.
I fear that someone who sees me on a dating website will google me and find this blog, and read this and think jesus this is a red flag. This is a no go. I think then – why even share this stuff? It is a cycle of shame – sending my sorrows into a place where no one can see them except me, and only for the briefest of moments, until they amass an army and attack me.
Why do I have to be some perfect person who isn’t sad about certain things in my life to be desirable or wanted? I’m not. No one is. Yet the things people say are great about me seem to not be enough to be wanted. Whats wrong with meeting someone great and having something like that help you pull yourself up? For once in my life, can something like this happen for me?
We live in this world of aversion from the sad. Everything consumed in our social world is good tidings and blessings, recoveries, celebrations. Do we see each other’s sorrow? Do we see each other’s pain, understand each others pain, and hold out a hand? Do we see our own pain? I see my pain inside the happiness of others. Happiness does not always spread happiness. It can spread a lot of suffering. Does my suffering spread gratitude? Happiness? Connection? Honesty?
Have you ever been in the bathroom with your partner and they popped their head out of the side of the shower curtain to say “I love you.”? Have you ever been beaten by your partner in a video game and asked them for a victory kiss? Have you ever been told what bills you needed to take care of while they put on their makeup before you went out together? Have you ever missed the way someone breathes?
I am a hopeless romantic. This will never change.
I went to urban dictionary to find a definition. and I was expecting something cynical, something to tear it down. But what I found was something so sweet, heartfelt, and better than I could have ever written. I’ll just share the top definition, but the rest of the definitions are also great.
A definition of a Hopeless Romantic can be typed for pages really. These people have larger hearts than the rest of us. They tend to get hurt more than the regular person. It’s sad to say that nowadays the romantics hide or they just lose their touch with being a Hopeless Romantic. We live in a time where everyone is hurting each other and everyone is scared to give their 100%. Hopeless Romantics don’t make themselves known very often for that reason. Hopeless Romantics will give more than 100% to a relationship. They look at their partners as something that will has never been made before; that their partner was made just for them. They get hurt because of this but they remain hopeful. Hopeful that one day they find someone for them. It’s also sad to say sometimes the hope dies. I honestly think they are one of the most pure things left on this planet.
If you’re going to love, please give it you’re all. Every ounce inside of you should go to someone.